this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Randomize
