I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Randomize
