My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
organizing the empties. That sober.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
