Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
