it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
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