Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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