Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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