how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
