i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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