and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Randomize
