Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
