She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
