My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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