the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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