The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Randomize
