I thought you said his peep was too small
it is but i have no money and nothing is on tv until 7 when americas next top model comes on.
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
