I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
