apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
