Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
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