lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
