Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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