Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Randomize
