Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
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