Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
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