Will you blow on my dice?
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
