I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
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