he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
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