If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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