but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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