She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Randomize
