Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Randomize
