I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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