We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
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