Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
