I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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