i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
