I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Randomize
