If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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