well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
My dick has a subreddit
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
