i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Houston, we have a squirter
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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