dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Randomize
