i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Randomize
