I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
