This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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