I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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