my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
he told me I talked like a deaf person
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
