mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
