party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
