well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
