I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
