No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
my FASA form asked what i spent the majority of my 08 earnings on, im tempted to put "booze, blow, & blunts"
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
